Dear Stranger,
I don't know what's going on (yet again). My friendship between Her and me is better than ever, but that's all it seems like it is.
She used to use "<3"s when she chatted with me. Directly to me. Since Wednesday, she hasn't used a single one. Sure, maybe I'm paranoid, but I think something is different. I feel like I'm getting closer to the "friend zone". She even jokes about it (two or three times). I laugh, but the thought of it hurts and scares me. The fact that she jokes about it partly makes me think that she has no problems mentioning it - therefor it isn't true. The other part hits home - she put the one thing I would never utter into words, and did it with a smile. It hurts.
She also used to ask me these questions. "How much do you love me?" "What would you do if I died?" "What if I had AIDS?"
Ladies and gentlemen, please don't misinterpret these questions. She's not demanding attention, or wanting to hear how much I love her. I believe she was deciding if it being with me would be a good choice. She needed to know what I would do if she were ever in one of these scenarios. If it was safe to like me.
I answered these questions completely honestly. I could care less if she had AIDS - if she did that would not affect anything. If she died, I would be torn. I would sleep by her grave, crying myself to sleep. I probably would lose my will to care for anything for a while, but I have good friends. I trust them to snap me out of it if that ever did happen to me.
One of them is somebody we'll nickname Kiwi. Not much of a nickname if you really did know her, but since nobody reads this blog (except for perhaps the occasional sympathetic/empathetic web browser) there's nothing to worry about.
I talk to her when I feel horribly depressed. I like to believe I've done the same for her before. We're not close physically, we hardly see each other and rarely say hi, but I consider her an invaluable friend.
We've been chatting some this morning. She really helps organize my thoughts. Here's part of the conversation that we had today:
Kiwi: maybe you should try holding down ur feelings for a while...like not telling her how much she means to you etc. cuz that in itself is probably making her feel heavy and commited since she can't return the same feelings
Me: I've been doing that. after the phone call I havn't mentioned anything of the sort, and she responds well - happy and cheerful rather than confused.
Me: but...
Me: something is just missing from those times when we chatted before
Me: One of us will say something funny and she'll laugh now
Me: and I can imagine her laughing so perfectly it makes my heart break
Me: and I feel like crying because I can't say anything about how much I miss that smile.
Kiwi: you really love her don't you
Me: God you have no idea.
Kiwi: maybe you should kiss her, (all up to you...just a suggestion) it might help her make a decision~
Why did I mention this? The simplest, most honest reason. I want someone out there to catch a whiff of what I feel. I'm exploding with emotions, but I can't do anything with them. I want this message to find someone, and teach them what love should be. If you are with someone that you can truly consider you love, you're one lucky bastard. I find myself incredulously lucky already to have found someone I love. If you've found that someone for you, that significant other that, regardless of what happens to you for the rest of your life, you will look back and smile on the times you've had together - know that I'm ridiculously jealous of you right now.
The second reason is something I've been musing for a while. I really want to kiss her - I want to be lost in a moment that will last forever. I don't think she's ready for it yet, but I'm hoping a moment will come where her passion for me (if it exists) will overcome any reluctance she has. That moment has yet to come, though I've been oh-so tempted to turn around and kiss her on the cheek while we were watching The Notebook yesterday. I suppose I'll just have to wait for a moment where the feeling is overwhelming.
I'm also not sure as to what I should do about holding/hugging her. Sometimes she doesn't react at all (a bad sign, I'm sure). Sometimes she'll lean on to me...the most blissful moments in my life. I should probably hold her less - it'd make the moments that I do more special. However, looking at her face while she looks off into the distance, the urge to hold her tightly and never let go is irresistible. My hugs are by no means a simple sign of affection. She has no idea how much I hold back from hugging her, yet I still do so every few seconds.
My train of thought isn't as good as before - my blog entry is harder to read and doesn't flow as well right now.
I'll stop here.
Thank you for reading, Stranger.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
An interesting talk...
Hello world,
Again, I'm confused. We had a long talk, her and I. Well, perhaps not long to some people, but 40 minutes on a single topic, especially concerning how she was confused and uncomfortable, seemed pretty long to me.
I don't really feel like talking about it, but I'm sure I'll slip into the mood as I continue typing.
Two nights ago, she logged off and said "Good night <3 ily :D". She had asked what the difference between love and like was earlier that day. It was the first time she had done something like that, and I was overjoyed...I ended up not sleeping for a few hours. It seems only natural that she meant "ily" as in "I love you".
Not able to wait any longer to see her, I cut the last two periods of school the next day. In that time, I went searching for roses (purple ones, her favorite color), took the bus, and walked over to her school. Then I waited for her.
When she came out, I handed her the roses and asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes, but I don't think she was very happy about saying it. She probably felt that she had to say yes after what I had gone through to ask her.
I had a great time with her though, we cuddled and hugged each other while staring at roses and the water fountain at her nearby park. It felt so nice to be together like that with her - it felt like we had always been together, and always would be. She probably didn't feel that way, but I was glad I could share that moment with her anyway.
We talked that night, and I started talking about our "relationship". I don't think I was using the word too much, or that I was over exaggerating things. Yet, she seemed a bit uncomfortable, and the next day proved me right.
The next day she was even less comfortable. I mentioned that I was very serious about a relationship, and she seemed to shrink back from chatting. Upon inquiry, she said that she didn't feel that she was ready for a relationship.
At first, that scared the hell out of me. Still does. I thought she regretted saying yes (and perhaps she does). I thought that I had made her frightened of a relationship; my devotion to her - scary. I knew what I had to do, and had to do it right away. I called her, and we talked.
To make a long story short, she's afraid of the word "relationship". To her, it means much more than a connection between friends - it means commitment. She's not ready for that stage, and I'll kindly back down from her if she needs more time to determine if she really wants to be in a relationship with me.
Thankfully, it hasn't changed much between us. By saying "Okay, I'll try to stop calling it a relationship if it'll make you more comfortable", I am much more afraid now that my message doesn't get across (my message is basically: regardless of how I feel, what mood I'm in, or how horny I am, I'm still in love with her). I want to call it a relationship, because I want to remind her every day - "I'm here for you".
By promising not to say that, I'm cutting down on getting my message across to her. That thought scares me, but I'll try to do it if it'll make her more comfortable. I said before: I want her to be happy. If being with me makes her uncomfortable or sad, I'm willing to stop all contact with her (if that was what she wanted). God, I hope it never comes to that.
I'm confused as to how she could say "I love you" to me, yet be so uncomfortable when I say that we're in a relationship. She, if she ever read this, would probably reply "I'm weird D:" to that statement, and probably apologize as well. God, I love her so much.
It's been a few hours since I've waited for her. About 2 and a half hours I think. I ran out of topics to talk about, and she's not online yet, so...time to ramble!
We're watching a movie together tomorrow. She's going to come over to my house, and while my parents are gone we're going to watch The Notebook. Apparently, it's a really sappy movie. I don't like the word sappy though - it has that negative connotation to it. Let's call it a very poignant movie. It's sounds so sad and touching...
Now, I'm not going to deny that I look forward to seeing her cry/sob at the movie (obviously not because I like seeing her sad. I'm sure you people know what I'm talking about). I also look forward to her cuddling into my arms/shoulder when the emotions form the movie take hold. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is not the only reason that I want to see this movie.
When I think about it, watching this movie is entirely selfish. The first reason (just stated) is obviously selfish. The second one is even more so. The second reason that I'd like to see this movie is because I like feeling sappy. I like the feeling of a sad and gentle catharsis. I want to be moved by this movie, and I want Her to be by my side when that happens. I want to hold her in my arms and thank the heavens that I have someone to share this moment with, because I've never had this opportunity before in my life.
To make things even more selfish, she has already seen the movie, and I don't think she has much to gain from watching this movie. I can only hope that she will find watching the movie with me to be a better experience than when she watched the movie before. /Sigh/
Well, she agreed that we should watch it, and I believe her when she says that she'd enjoy watching it with me. Let's hope tomorrow ends up well.
Now I should really get around to cleaning up the house. Don't want it messy when she comes over...
Again, I'm confused. We had a long talk, her and I. Well, perhaps not long to some people, but 40 minutes on a single topic, especially concerning how she was confused and uncomfortable, seemed pretty long to me.
I don't really feel like talking about it, but I'm sure I'll slip into the mood as I continue typing.
Two nights ago, she logged off and said "Good night <3 ily :D". She had asked what the difference between love and like was earlier that day. It was the first time she had done something like that, and I was overjoyed...I ended up not sleeping for a few hours. It seems only natural that she meant "ily" as in "I love you".
Not able to wait any longer to see her, I cut the last two periods of school the next day. In that time, I went searching for roses (purple ones, her favorite color), took the bus, and walked over to her school. Then I waited for her.
When she came out, I handed her the roses and asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes, but I don't think she was very happy about saying it. She probably felt that she had to say yes after what I had gone through to ask her.
I had a great time with her though, we cuddled and hugged each other while staring at roses and the water fountain at her nearby park. It felt so nice to be together like that with her - it felt like we had always been together, and always would be. She probably didn't feel that way, but I was glad I could share that moment with her anyway.
We talked that night, and I started talking about our "relationship". I don't think I was using the word too much, or that I was over exaggerating things. Yet, she seemed a bit uncomfortable, and the next day proved me right.
The next day she was even less comfortable. I mentioned that I was very serious about a relationship, and she seemed to shrink back from chatting. Upon inquiry, she said that she didn't feel that she was ready for a relationship.
At first, that scared the hell out of me. Still does. I thought she regretted saying yes (and perhaps she does). I thought that I had made her frightened of a relationship; my devotion to her - scary. I knew what I had to do, and had to do it right away. I called her, and we talked.
To make a long story short, she's afraid of the word "relationship". To her, it means much more than a connection between friends - it means commitment. She's not ready for that stage, and I'll kindly back down from her if she needs more time to determine if she really wants to be in a relationship with me.
Thankfully, it hasn't changed much between us. By saying "Okay, I'll try to stop calling it a relationship if it'll make you more comfortable", I am much more afraid now that my message doesn't get across (my message is basically: regardless of how I feel, what mood I'm in, or how horny I am, I'm still in love with her). I want to call it a relationship, because I want to remind her every day - "I'm here for you".
By promising not to say that, I'm cutting down on getting my message across to her. That thought scares me, but I'll try to do it if it'll make her more comfortable. I said before: I want her to be happy. If being with me makes her uncomfortable or sad, I'm willing to stop all contact with her (if that was what she wanted). God, I hope it never comes to that.
I'm confused as to how she could say "I love you" to me, yet be so uncomfortable when I say that we're in a relationship. She, if she ever read this, would probably reply "I'm weird D:" to that statement, and probably apologize as well. God, I love her so much.
It's been a few hours since I've waited for her. About 2 and a half hours I think. I ran out of topics to talk about, and she's not online yet, so...time to ramble!
We're watching a movie together tomorrow. She's going to come over to my house, and while my parents are gone we're going to watch The Notebook. Apparently, it's a really sappy movie. I don't like the word sappy though - it has that negative connotation to it. Let's call it a very poignant movie. It's sounds so sad and touching...
Now, I'm not going to deny that I look forward to seeing her cry/sob at the movie (obviously not because I like seeing her sad. I'm sure you people know what I'm talking about). I also look forward to her cuddling into my arms/shoulder when the emotions form the movie take hold. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is not the only reason that I want to see this movie.
When I think about it, watching this movie is entirely selfish. The first reason (just stated) is obviously selfish. The second one is even more so. The second reason that I'd like to see this movie is because I like feeling sappy. I like the feeling of a sad and gentle catharsis. I want to be moved by this movie, and I want Her to be by my side when that happens. I want to hold her in my arms and thank the heavens that I have someone to share this moment with, because I've never had this opportunity before in my life.
To make things even more selfish, she has already seen the movie, and I don't think she has much to gain from watching this movie. I can only hope that she will find watching the movie with me to be a better experience than when she watched the movie before. /Sigh/
Well, she agreed that we should watch it, and I believe her when she says that she'd enjoy watching it with me. Let's hope tomorrow ends up well.
Now I should really get around to cleaning up the house. Don't want it messy when she comes over...
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