Happy - characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy

Ah, stranger - fancy meeting you at this time and place.

Always the one to procure personal problems, I'm delighted to say that, for once, I have come to you to pass on pleasant, pleasing news.

As always, stranger, you have no obligation to entertain me. However, if you've ever had a moment's pity for anything that I've been through - rejoice! Weeks, perhaps months ago, I had said that I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Since then, my pleasure, contentment, and joy have all risen substantially - my happiness has been steadily increasing.

The worst time I've had to endure was also the turning point of confused passion to pure happiness. On December 11th, 2007 she told me that she was actually in a relationship. In fact, she had been in a relationship with this man for 2 years now. The man, whom we will name M, was actually someone she had met online, when she was 15. Things seemed to work out at the beginning of their relationship I suppose, I don't ask about it and she doesn't bring it up. If she had good times with him, the last thing I want to do is have her recall those times and go through the pain on knowing that those times will never happen again - whether she likes him now or not.

At this point of her life, when she was 15, things were the worst they had ever been for her.

After the first few months, perhaps up to a year, he started showing how he really was to her. From what I've seen, he let their relationship fall apart until the point where any further negligence would ruin the relationship. At that point, he would say a few comforting words and salvage what he could - only to neglect her again over the next few weeks/months and repeat the process again.

Neglecting her for Pokemon and World of Warcraft is one of the most pathetic things I could ever expect from anyone who calls himself a man. Not that I consider him one, but if he ever considered himself a man, he should at least make an attempt at giving the countenance of one.

Anyway, realizing that I still loved her regardless of this fact and that I was not angry or going to punish her for having neglected to tell me about him, she decided to break up with him that night.

Stranger, from the little I've said about M, you have be able to get the general idea of what kind of person he is. I don't think you'd find it hard to believe, then, that he took things horribly. Flinging accusations at her, he ignored the fact that she had tried so hard to make things work out between them and already felt horrible that she was ending their relationship.

Well, she just logged on and I don't want to ruin the joy I feel from seeing her log on by talking about such things, so I'll continue the story another time.

Until then, stranger.

My personal outlet for confusion.

Dear Stranger,

I don't know what's going on (yet again). My friendship between Her and me is better than ever, but that's all it seems like it is.

She used to use "<3"s when she chatted with me. Directly to me. Since Wednesday, she hasn't used a single one. Sure, maybe I'm paranoid, but I think something is different. I feel like I'm getting closer to the "friend zone". She even jokes about it (two or three times). I laugh, but the thought of it hurts and scares me. The fact that she jokes about it partly makes me think that she has no problems mentioning it - therefor it isn't true. The other part hits home - she put the one thing I would never utter into words, and did it with a smile. It hurts.

She also used to ask me these questions. "How much do you love me?" "What would you do if I died?" "What if I had AIDS?"

Ladies and gentlemen, please don't misinterpret these questions. She's not demanding attention, or wanting to hear how much I love her. I believe she was deciding if it being with me would be a good choice. She needed to know what I would do if she were ever in one of these scenarios. If it was safe to like me.

I answered these questions completely honestly. I could care less if she had AIDS - if she did that would not affect anything. If she died, I would be torn. I would sleep by her grave, crying myself to sleep. I probably would lose my will to care for anything for a while, but I have good friends. I trust them to snap me out of it if that ever did happen to me.

One of them is somebody we'll nickname Kiwi. Not much of a nickname if you really did know her, but since nobody reads this blog (except for perhaps the occasional sympathetic/empathetic web browser) there's nothing to worry about.

I talk to her when I feel horribly depressed. I like to believe I've done the same for her before. We're not close physically, we hardly see each other and rarely say hi, but I consider her an invaluable friend.

We've been chatting some this morning. She really helps organize my thoughts. Here's part of the conversation that we had today:

Kiwi: maybe you should try holding down ur feelings for a while...like not telling her how much she means to you etc. cuz that in itself is probably making her feel heavy and commited since she can't return the same feelings
Me: I've been doing that. after the phone call I havn't mentioned anything of the sort, and she responds well - happy and cheerful rather than confused.
Me: but...
Me: something is just missing from those times when we chatted before
Me: One of us will say something funny and she'll laugh now
Me: and I can imagine her laughing so perfectly it makes my heart break
Me: and I feel like crying because I can't say anything about how much I miss that smile.
Kiwi: you really love her don't you
Me: God you have no idea.
Kiwi: maybe you should kiss her, (all up to you...just a suggestion) it might help her make a decision~

Why did I mention this? The simplest, most honest reason. I want someone out there to catch a whiff of what I feel. I'm exploding with emotions, but I can't do anything with them. I want this message to find someone, and teach them what love should be. If you are with someone that you can truly consider you love, you're one lucky bastard. I find myself incredulously lucky already to have found someone I love. If you've found that someone for you, that significant other that, regardless of what happens to you for the rest of your life, you will look back and smile on the times you've had together - know that I'm ridiculously jealous of you right now.

The second reason is something I've been musing for a while. I really want to kiss her - I want to be lost in a moment that will last forever. I don't think she's ready for it yet, but I'm hoping a moment will come where her passion for me (if it exists) will overcome any reluctance she has. That moment has yet to come, though I've been oh-so tempted to turn around and kiss her on the cheek while we were watching The Notebook yesterday. I suppose I'll just have to wait for a moment where the feeling is overwhelming.

I'm also not sure as to what I should do about holding/hugging her. Sometimes she doesn't react at all (a bad sign, I'm sure). Sometimes she'll lean on to me...the most blissful moments in my life. I should probably hold her less - it'd make the moments that I do more special. However, looking at her face while she looks off into the distance, the urge to hold her tightly and never let go is irresistible. My hugs are by no means a simple sign of affection. She has no idea how much I hold back from hugging her, yet I still do so every few seconds.

My train of thought isn't as good as before - my blog entry is harder to read and doesn't flow as well right now.
I'll stop here.
Thank you for reading, Stranger.

An interesting talk...

Hello world,

Again, I'm confused. We had a long talk, her and I. Well, perhaps not long to some people, but 40 minutes on a single topic, especially concerning how she was confused and uncomfortable, seemed pretty long to me.
I don't really feel like talking about it, but I'm sure I'll slip into the mood as I continue typing.
Two nights ago, she logged off and said "Good night <3 ily :D". She had asked what the difference between love and like was earlier that day. It was the first time she had done something like that, and I was overjoyed...I ended up not sleeping for a few hours. It seems only natural that she meant "ily" as in "I love you".

Not able to wait any longer to see her, I cut the last two periods of school the next day. In that time, I went searching for roses (purple ones, her favorite color), took the bus, and walked over to her school. Then I waited for her.

When she came out, I handed her the roses and asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes, but I don't think she was very happy about saying it. She probably felt that she had to say yes after what I had gone through to ask her.

I had a great time with her though, we cuddled and hugged each other while staring at roses and the water fountain at her nearby park. It felt so nice to be together like that with her - it felt like we had always been together, and always would be. She probably didn't feel that way, but I was glad I could share that moment with her anyway.

We talked that night, and I started talking about our "relationship". I don't think I was using the word too much, or that I was over exaggerating things. Yet, she seemed a bit uncomfortable, and the next day proved me right.

The next day she was even less comfortable. I mentioned that I was very serious about a relationship, and she seemed to shrink back from chatting. Upon inquiry, she said that she didn't feel that she was ready for a relationship.

At first, that scared the hell out of me. Still does. I thought she regretted saying yes (and perhaps she does). I thought that I had made her frightened of a relationship; my devotion to her - scary. I knew what I had to do, and had to do it right away. I called her, and we talked.

To make a long story short, she's afraid of the word "relationship". To her, it means much more than a connection between friends - it means commitment. She's not ready for that stage, and I'll kindly back down from her if she needs more time to determine if she really wants to be in a relationship with me.

Thankfully, it hasn't changed much between us. By saying "Okay, I'll try to stop calling it a relationship if it'll make you more comfortable", I am much more afraid now that my message doesn't get across (my message is basically: regardless of how I feel, what mood I'm in, or how horny I am, I'm still in love with her). I want to call it a relationship, because I want to remind her every day - "I'm here for you".

By promising not to say that, I'm cutting down on getting my message across to her. That thought scares me, but I'll try to do it if it'll make her more comfortable. I said before: I want her to be happy. If being with me makes her uncomfortable or sad, I'm willing to stop all contact with her (if that was what she wanted). God, I hope it never comes to that.

I'm confused as to how she could say "I love you" to me, yet be so uncomfortable when I say that we're in a relationship. She, if she ever read this, would probably reply "I'm weird D:" to that statement, and probably apologize as well. God, I love her so much.

It's been a few hours since I've waited for her. About 2 and a half hours I think. I ran out of topics to talk about, and she's not online yet, so...time to ramble!

We're watching a movie together tomorrow. She's going to come over to my house, and while my parents are gone we're going to watch The Notebook. Apparently, it's a really sappy movie. I don't like the word sappy though - it has that negative connotation to it. Let's call it a very poignant movie. It's sounds so sad and touching...

Now, I'm not going to deny that I look forward to seeing her cry/sob at the movie (obviously not because I like seeing her sad. I'm sure you people know what I'm talking about). I also look forward to her cuddling into my arms/shoulder when the emotions form the movie take hold. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is not the only reason that I want to see this movie.

When I think about it, watching this movie is entirely selfish. The first reason (just stated) is obviously selfish. The second one is even more so. The second reason that I'd like to see this movie is because I like feeling sappy. I like the feeling of a sad and gentle catharsis. I want to be moved by this movie, and I want Her to be by my side when that happens. I want to hold her in my arms and thank the heavens that I have someone to share this moment with, because I've never had this opportunity before in my life.

To make things even more selfish, she has already seen the movie, and I don't think she has much to gain from watching this movie. I can only hope that she will find watching the movie with me to be a better experience than when she watched the movie before. /Sigh/

Well, she agreed that we should watch it, and I believe her when she says that she'd enjoy watching it with me. Let's hope tomorrow ends up well.

Now I should really get around to cleaning up the house. Don't want it messy when she comes over...

Good thing nobody reads this

Sometimes it saddens me that nobody reads my blog. Not often, since this blog is mostly for myself, but sometimes. Today though, I'm especially happy that nobody reads it. Something about having something that you need to tell the world - and then being able to do it - makes me feel that what I have to say has meaning. Also, the fact that nobody reads it will prevent my feelings and secrets to be spilled. To me, it's a win win situation.

Something spectacular happened to me about 2 weeks ago. I fell in love.

I would like to think that it's something special. I see other friends of mine in relationships, and usually I think they're stupid. How can they experience love when they know so little about it? And yet, here I am, madly in love with someone I met only 2 weeks ago.

She asked me how I could love her in so short of time. She shocked me by how much she reminded me of myself. She told me just yesterday that she didn't want a relationship that was only going to be 3 months long. I guess I have a lot to think about, because it didn't even cross my mind that, if we went out now, we would be together 3 months from now. Call me immature, but the only thing on my mind right now is the way she laughs, the way she smiles, and her perfect personality. I want to be with her, I want to help her, and I want to sleep with her. I want her in every way I can imagine.

She needs time though, and I know that. I'm doing things all wrong. Ask anyone who's been in a relationship - show them what I've said to her. They would laugh and call me a fool. And I know I'm being one.

I'm overly honest; I've told her just about everything I know about myself - from masturbating to my friends at school. Occasionally, I talk about how my friends are better than me, and how envious I am of her friends, who can spend all the time they want with her. It may make her uncomfortable to hear (it should at least), but I can't help but to announce my feelings.

I make crude jokes with her - I've made sexually-related jokes many times now (and they weren't as funny as they were sarcastic...or very serious in some cases) and occasionally I say things that are so abstract, she doesn't even get what I'm saying. I don't have a good grasp on what exactly it is that I'm doing.

I've also managed to screw up horribly. I asked her if she would "go out with me" after knowing her for about 2 weeks. A good enough length of time for me, I know I love her. However, she took the question as "will you go on a date with me?" or something of the sort. She didn't really consider the question as being a couple in a serious relationship. She said yes to a question that I didn't make clear.

Another friend, who coincidentally also likes/liked her (and confessed to her too!) told me that she understood the question wrong. Realizing my mistake, I asked it straight out, "will you be my girlfriend?" Unfortunately, I had wasted the opportune moment from earlier, when I asked her to "go out with me" and it was also too early for her to decide. Due to these factors, she didn't reply. I told her that I'd give her more time, but I'm not sure how long I can wait. It's been two days since I asked if she would be my girlfriend, and I've already brought it up again, yesterday.

She's also told me things about herself that I'll never mention to anyone else. I'm not sure what to think about these confessions though. On one hand, I'm extremely happy that she is willing to open up and tell me these things. On the other hand, I feel like I'm becoming more of someone she can always trust rather than someone that she's in love with. I want her to be happy.
Dead-fucking-honestly, I want her to be happy. And, perhaps, she's be happier with me as someone she could talk to rather than as someone she loves. Although I've (literally) never seen it outside of a movie set, I want to believe that there's a middle ground, where, as lovers, we can also be complete agreement with each other. I think that'd prevent lots of possible arguments that other couples have. Yet, to find that middle ground, I need someone perfect for me. I hope she's the one.

The same person who told me that she had misinterpreted my question tried to give me advice on handling a relationship. He told me how to deal with problems, how to talk to her, etc. I'm sure he meant it all with the best of intentions, but I was disgustingly insulted. To quote The Fountainhead (my most favoritest book ever),

"Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."

I'm truly saying and doing what my heart tells me to when I'm with her, and this friend is telling me that what I'm doing is all wrong. That there are rules - or even guidelines - that I should at least consider. I'm purposely trying to word this so that he sounds more sensible, because what he is telling me makes perfect sense. Yet I'm enraged by his words; how dare he try and tell me what to do when this is the best I've felt in years, if not my life?

For you readers (hah, as if there are readers) that think "You're right on the dot man, stay true," - don't worry, I am. I'm sticking to what I want to believe, whether it will ruin me or make me happy for the rest of my life with her.

For those of you who think, "Great, another idiot that thinks he's in love," or "That's not the way to get a girl, if you really like her there are much better ways," - I know. I know that, but I'm not willing to listen to a word you say. Call it stubborn, call it stupid - your words fall on deaf ears.

gb2/hk/

First day in HK! Well, technically, its my second, but I'm writing about the first.

I got to HK an hour and 15 minutes early; a pretty fast flight. Alex met me at the airport, and we went back to his place. God, I love my room. (Photo from last year; it has hardly changed):



We tried to catch up on sleeping, so we could actually use the day productively. Naturally, we ended up taking for 3-4 hours and only sleeping 1.

His dad came back from Taipei for 3 hours - just to see how Alex was doing. Then he went back to Taipei after lunch (we had pecking duck).

First thing we did was hit the arcade, but we didn't play much. The arcade is much more than an arcade really, we just refer to it as such. There are multiple restaurants, stores, ice cream stores, bakeries, etc. Brings back memories of being here with Jen, haha. Good times.

We headed down to MX, like we always do, and I tried a new flavor of their drinks (named Spunky Monkey xD). It was really good! Pineapple and other fruits.


We walked around the arcade and went to the bookstore (named Page One). Alex has $300+ USD of gift certificates there :P. We also got some drumsticks at the instrument store.

We left the World Trade Center (where the arcade is), and took the MTR to Wan Chai, where 188 is. 188 is basically a center for technology. They specialize in gaming, but in building/modding systems rather than playing. I looked around, but I hadn't exchanged any money to HKD, so it was mostly just window shopping.

We went to other places in Wan Chai, but nothing really worth mentioning. We were just hanging around the streets.

Going back to Causeway bay (where the World Trade Center is), we headed to the Lee Gardens, where we shopped and just enjoyed the fact that we were in HK. We had dinner shortly after, at the Lee Gardens. It was a restaurant named Cova; the food was delicious (and expensive xP).

Again, we went to the bookstore. I was looking for a book named The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, but they didn't have it in stock. They said the store in Tsim Sha Tsui had it, so we'll be heading there today.

We called Alan after hanging at the bookstore for an hour or so, and headed home. At home, we opened a bottle of sake and played some Go. We ended up playing speed Go, and then just dropping the game because both of us were pretty tired (he and I didn't get much sleep. Me because of jet lag from US, him from jet lag from Europe).

We checked some things online, mostly concerning what we'd do the following day (today). We're probably going to check out some kick-stores, go to the other book store to find my book, go to the bank so I can exchange money...Not sure what else. Looks like a great day so far though =]

I suck at planning

wow i screw up so badly.

so on the 5th, i decided to get my permit (or at least take the test) and when i got there, they were like "you need proof of signing up for lessons, something something, something something, and fill out this form. so i went back home, got the stuff, but i supposedly had senior portraits, so i ended up not going. After reaching FUCKING SAN JOSE for senior portraits, i found out it was July 3rd, 5:00 not July 5th, 3:00. -____-;;

hooray for me.

Last post

Well, that last post helped a lot; as much as I want to go, it's not so bad that I dread staying here.

Yesterday I went to the beach (Boardwalk) with my family. I fell asleep for 5 hours there, so I didn't do very much. But when I woke up, everything was dark, and the beach reminded me of HK again.

They set off fireworks at 10PM, which was nice. The food was better than I expected. I never touched the water - the mood just wasn't right. We ate and I wandered around for a bit. They had an arcade which had some fun games (Dance Maniax) but I only played once or twice. Again, the mood just didn't fit. I guess some things are best left to HK. I'd rather enjoy these moments to their fullest in HK than half-ass them here.

Not much else to say...apart from 7 DAYS LEFT.

Hello, World!

Hi everyone,
I just started this blog because I'm going to Hong Kong on the 11th. I'm psyched, I'm pumped, and I'm schizophrenic. With no way to release these pent-up emotions, I've decided to put them into words.

I'll probably post about last year's trip to HK with each day; the memories become more vivid as the 11th draws nearer.

In fact, I feel like going over a day right now.

I woke up at around 10 AM, and Alex was still asleep. Going into his room, I borrowed his laptop to make a few emails to my parents/family. Playing DS for a bit, it soon reached 12, and Alex woke up. I went downstairs and requested his maids and Benny (the house caretaker) to prepare lunch. It was the best curry ever (eggplant! So weird, yet amazingly good). There was also toast, orange juice, tuna (for Alex, I don't usually like fish), a beef and broccoli dish, and rice. I even recall Alex and me spilling a bit of orange juice at the exact same time, and we laughed about it.


Completely random substory: I called Alex on skype a few days ago, and I talked to Benny :P He said he was preparing tons of food for me haha (I loved Benny's cooking)

Around 2 we asked his driver (Alan) to bring us to the Pacific Place, where we shopped and played in the arcade.

Completely Random Sub-Story: (A different day) So we had a friend, named Jenny, and we wanted her to come into the arcade with us. For those of you who aren't familiar with HK laws, you must be older than 16 to enter the arcade. Being a freshman, she was still 15. I gave her my passport, and they looked at it, looked at her, and looked back at the passport, and let her go. XD

Anyway, after getting a drink at MX (sort of like a wannabe Jamba Juice, but even better cause they're healthier) we walked to the subway and took it to Mong Kok. We wandered all over the street shops there, along with some of the formal shops. I bought a shirt or two, and we hung around there for a few hours.

Another random substory: We were taking the subway one day, and I saw somebody carrying a new PSP. Thinking he didn't understand English, I said (aloud) to Alex, "You hold him, I'll take the PSP and run." Unfortunately, he did understand English and so did the people around us. Fortunately, he took it for a joke (which it was!)

Approaching 6:00, we called up Stephen (a friend I met in HK, and the driving force behind my effort to go to HK again) and we decided to go out together for dinner. We ended up going to a Japanese restaurant, because Alex and Stephen wanted to get me used to eating fish (and it was damn good at that), and because Alex wanted Kobe beef (orgasmic. 'nuff said).

We ordered a rather large bottle of Sake, which we shared. It must've been really good, cause I drank quite a bit...

Finishing dinner, we headed to Stephen's house, and we talked and swam (in his swimming pool/backyard mostly..it's beautiful)



While we were at his house, I recall talking about one of those "isolation chambers" or something, where you go into a huge sphere and it seals off all of your senses.

I also started reading Generation S.L.U.T. that night; that book was as weird as hell.

At about midnight, we decided to go out for some ice cream. Stephen drove us out to the beach (they have little stores there) and we grabbed some ice cream. We sat there, munching away, watching the ebb of the ocean. Alex started to dance around with his feet in the water, and, after he had finished the ice cream, Stephen tackled him and they both went in. Seeing their carefree joy, I had to join them.

Swimming around until 2 AM or so, we lay on the beach - relaxing and watching the stars.

Finally, around 3AM, Stephen dropped us off at Alex's house. On the way in, I had to pet Muji, Alex's dog. The cutest, most lovable dog ever.





Going into Alex's house, we soon fell fast asleep. The day had been a perfect one - just like the 17 days surrounding it.

Thanks for reading; that was great to relive in my head. Sorry its not too descriptive, I know that. But in my head...a slideshow is playing, and I can't find words to share it.

8 more days...