I've copy and pasted about 9 thousand times today....
56 thousand left.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
What happened...
Well, right now you're messaging me, mostly asking me quesetions or complaining about how bad your math textbook is. Well, I'm sorry your math textbook isn't that great. Even though I think it's plenty fine. I'll be sure to whip up that magic and make it better the next time.
You're also complaining that the pill makes you feel fat, and that you don't trust condoms. Great. What do you leave me with?
What happened to the girl that told me she wanted to study hard, so that her parents would let her keep seeing me? The girl that happily trusted me, first with condoms and later took on the responsibility of taking the daily pill herself?
I miss her.
You're also complaining that the pill makes you feel fat, and that you don't trust condoms. Great. What do you leave me with?
What happened to the girl that told me she wanted to study hard, so that her parents would let her keep seeing me? The girl that happily trusted me, first with condoms and later took on the responsibility of taking the daily pill herself?
I miss her.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Dear Marian,
Hello Marian!
You know, none of these blog posts are ever supposed to be shown to you, but I always end up doing it anyway because I feel that these posts have so much truth, and convey my feels rather well, and I want you to know how I feel =]
I'm writing this right now, as you're picking up your tax papers - I hope all goes well and there's isn't much fighting between you and your dad!
There are a few things I want to say, and although there may not be much of a difference whether or not I say them, I'd still like to.
First of all, what you hear too much, but I want to say anyway - I love you! I love you hun, and I'm not letting go of you. Not before summer, not throughout college, not for my life. It's hard to put enough faith in someone to believe that they will never leave you - I'm not asking for that. I just want to reassure you as much as I can - I'm not going to "hit it and quit it" or move on to anyone else. I have found everything I could have ever hoped for in our relationship - far more than I expected I could find even when I found someone that I would marry. Which is one of the many reasons why I am absolutely positive I will never leave, and we will get married. I love you, not only in the sense that I care for and want you more than anybody else in the world, but that this love is one that will last. My definition of love includes unconditional and eternal devotion, and I love you.
My second point is something I mentioned earlier today. You shouldn't denounce yourself so much! If it's just nice to hear "You're not fat/ugly/etc" from me, then it's fine. However, you shouldn't take what you say yourself to heart. I don't think I've lied to you before (unless I was kidding) and I'm not lying to you right now: I think you're beautiful, I think you're smart, I think you have the best body I've ever seen in my life, and I can and will spend the rest of my life with you, the ideal woman for me, who I thought I would never find.
A third point I have - please avoid hurting yourself! I know you get annoyed with everything, and just don't think it's worth it, but in just a few months, we'll be together, without our parents. I'll do everything I can to keep you happy, and I really want to fulfill this dream we have of living together - not just for college, but for life. I know we can live a happy life together, so try to get through the hard times you may have now, I promise I'll make it up with us living happily together until we die, okay? <3
On to happier topics! I also want to say I love the way you want to look pretty for me. I find it really sweet of you, to spend your time and money to try and please me. I encourage you to do it! I love seeing you in pretty clothing, and it makes me happy that you would do that for me. I did want to mention another thing though, don't fret too much over it! As I hope you know very well by now, I like people depending on many more factors - most of which have nothing to do with physical appearances. Maybe I'm shallow, because I'm so critical and reject people as pretty so often. They'd have to be eye-poppingly beautiful before I could consider them attractive. However, that's because they don't meet anything else that I like about people. I wish I could put into words what each of these things are, so that you could understand why I love you so much. Unfortunately, there are too many, and when I try to put them into words, I feel that my words are so fake. You'll have to believe that I would choose you over any other woman, no matter how nice, how smart, how attractive, or how great she may claim to be in bed.
Ohhh, another thing I wanted to mention! Please, accept my compliments! I mean them! My compliment about your eyes and legs particularly - there maybe fat on your legs, there may be no pretty color in your eyes, but I love them and find them beautiful. Your eyes are the prettiest I have ever seen in my life, and I mean that.
On a completely different topic altogether, I'm so I mention sex so much xD. I thoroughly enjoy the sex with you. I don't just see it as pleasure for myself, I see it as bonding time with you. There are two things I wanted to tell you - there's actually a reason I don't like the doggy position - I feel as though I'm dominating you and we are separating ourselves as a couple if we were to do that position. I know you like aggression and dominance, but I want to feel close to you more than anything. I want to see your face while I'm inside you, I want to feel as much of your body on mine as I possibly can.
Of course, I the doggy position is just an example - anything that seems TOO dominant or reduces the feeling of you on me gives me the same feeling. I feel like it becomes more dominance and submission than two lovers. On the other hand, I do find the position itself very hot, and I'd like to try it sometime (probably sometime soon haha). I just felt like expressing my opinion about it. Don't worry, I'm not forcing myself to do it because you want it, I just like feeling you on me too much to have doggy-style sex and have minimal contact xD
The second thing I wanted to mention kinda melded in with the first one. The reason I think of sex so much is because I love the bonding with you, not just for pleasure. You'll have to trust me on that one xD
Well, you've actually already gotten back from taxes, and I'm typing up this blog while you're online and chatting with me, which feels slightly awkward, so I'm going to stop. I'll probably link you to it in a few minutes, cause I like it when you read what I really feel in a huge, long rant. I hope you dont mind xD
I love you hun, forever and ever! <33
You know, none of these blog posts are ever supposed to be shown to you, but I always end up doing it anyway because I feel that these posts have so much truth, and convey my feels rather well, and I want you to know how I feel =]
I'm writing this right now, as you're picking up your tax papers - I hope all goes well and there's isn't much fighting between you and your dad!
There are a few things I want to say, and although there may not be much of a difference whether or not I say them, I'd still like to.
First of all, what you hear too much, but I want to say anyway - I love you! I love you hun, and I'm not letting go of you. Not before summer, not throughout college, not for my life. It's hard to put enough faith in someone to believe that they will never leave you - I'm not asking for that. I just want to reassure you as much as I can - I'm not going to "hit it and quit it" or move on to anyone else. I have found everything I could have ever hoped for in our relationship - far more than I expected I could find even when I found someone that I would marry. Which is one of the many reasons why I am absolutely positive I will never leave, and we will get married. I love you, not only in the sense that I care for and want you more than anybody else in the world, but that this love is one that will last. My definition of love includes unconditional and eternal devotion, and I love you.
My second point is something I mentioned earlier today. You shouldn't denounce yourself so much! If it's just nice to hear "You're not fat/ugly/etc" from me, then it's fine. However, you shouldn't take what you say yourself to heart. I don't think I've lied to you before (unless I was kidding) and I'm not lying to you right now: I think you're beautiful, I think you're smart, I think you have the best body I've ever seen in my life, and I can and will spend the rest of my life with you, the ideal woman for me, who I thought I would never find.
A third point I have - please avoid hurting yourself! I know you get annoyed with everything, and just don't think it's worth it, but in just a few months, we'll be together, without our parents. I'll do everything I can to keep you happy, and I really want to fulfill this dream we have of living together - not just for college, but for life. I know we can live a happy life together, so try to get through the hard times you may have now, I promise I'll make it up with us living happily together until we die, okay? <3
On to happier topics! I also want to say I love the way you want to look pretty for me. I find it really sweet of you, to spend your time and money to try and please me. I encourage you to do it! I love seeing you in pretty clothing, and it makes me happy that you would do that for me. I did want to mention another thing though, don't fret too much over it! As I hope you know very well by now, I like people depending on many more factors - most of which have nothing to do with physical appearances. Maybe I'm shallow, because I'm so critical and reject people as pretty so often. They'd have to be eye-poppingly beautiful before I could consider them attractive. However, that's because they don't meet anything else that I like about people. I wish I could put into words what each of these things are, so that you could understand why I love you so much. Unfortunately, there are too many, and when I try to put them into words, I feel that my words are so fake. You'll have to believe that I would choose you over any other woman, no matter how nice, how smart, how attractive, or how great she may claim to be in bed.
Ohhh, another thing I wanted to mention! Please, accept my compliments! I mean them! My compliment about your eyes and legs particularly - there maybe fat on your legs, there may be no pretty color in your eyes, but I love them and find them beautiful. Your eyes are the prettiest I have ever seen in my life, and I mean that.
On a completely different topic altogether, I'm so I mention sex so much xD. I thoroughly enjoy the sex with you. I don't just see it as pleasure for myself, I see it as bonding time with you. There are two things I wanted to tell you - there's actually a reason I don't like the doggy position - I feel as though I'm dominating you and we are separating ourselves as a couple if we were to do that position. I know you like aggression and dominance, but I want to feel close to you more than anything. I want to see your face while I'm inside you, I want to feel as much of your body on mine as I possibly can.
Of course, I the doggy position is just an example - anything that seems TOO dominant or reduces the feeling of you on me gives me the same feeling. I feel like it becomes more dominance and submission than two lovers. On the other hand, I do find the position itself very hot, and I'd like to try it sometime (probably sometime soon haha). I just felt like expressing my opinion about it. Don't worry, I'm not forcing myself to do it because you want it, I just like feeling you on me too much to have doggy-style sex and have minimal contact xD
The second thing I wanted to mention kinda melded in with the first one. The reason I think of sex so much is because I love the bonding with you, not just for pleasure. You'll have to trust me on that one xD
Well, you've actually already gotten back from taxes, and I'm typing up this blog while you're online and chatting with me, which feels slightly awkward, so I'm going to stop. I'll probably link you to it in a few minutes, cause I like it when you read what I really feel in a huge, long rant. I hope you dont mind xD
I love you hun, forever and ever! <33
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Happy - characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy
Ah, stranger - fancy meeting you at this time and place.
Always the one to procure personal problems, I'm delighted to say that, for once, I have come to you to pass on pleasant, pleasing news.
As always, stranger, you have no obligation to entertain me. However, if you've ever had a moment's pity for anything that I've been through - rejoice! Weeks, perhaps months ago, I had said that I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Since then, my pleasure, contentment, and joy have all risen substantially - my happiness has been steadily increasing.
The worst time I've had to endure was also the turning point of confused passion to pure happiness. On December 11th, 2007 she told me that she was actually in a relationship. In fact, she had been in a relationship with this man for 2 years now. The man, whom we will name M, was actually someone she had met online, when she was 15. Things seemed to work out at the beginning of their relationship I suppose, I don't ask about it and she doesn't bring it up. If she had good times with him, the last thing I want to do is have her recall those times and go through the pain on knowing that those times will never happen again - whether she likes him now or not.
At this point of her life, when she was 15, things were the worst they had ever been for her.
After the first few months, perhaps up to a year, he started showing how he really was to her. From what I've seen, he let their relationship fall apart until the point where any further negligence would ruin the relationship. At that point, he would say a few comforting words and salvage what he could - only to neglect her again over the next few weeks/months and repeat the process again.
Neglecting her for Pokemon and World of Warcraft is one of the most pathetic things I could ever expect from anyone who calls himself a man. Not that I consider him one, but if he ever considered himself a man, he should at least make an attempt at giving the countenance of one.
Anyway, realizing that I still loved her regardless of this fact and that I was not angry or going to punish her for having neglected to tell me about him, she decided to break up with him that night.
Stranger, from the little I've said about M, you have be able to get the general idea of what kind of person he is. I don't think you'd find it hard to believe, then, that he took things horribly. Flinging accusations at her, he ignored the fact that she had tried so hard to make things work out between them and already felt horrible that she was ending their relationship.
Well, she just logged on and I don't want to ruin the joy I feel from seeing her log on by talking about such things, so I'll continue the story another time.
Until then, stranger.
Always the one to procure personal problems, I'm delighted to say that, for once, I have come to you to pass on pleasant, pleasing news.
As always, stranger, you have no obligation to entertain me. However, if you've ever had a moment's pity for anything that I've been through - rejoice! Weeks, perhaps months ago, I had said that I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Since then, my pleasure, contentment, and joy have all risen substantially - my happiness has been steadily increasing.
The worst time I've had to endure was also the turning point of confused passion to pure happiness. On December 11th, 2007 she told me that she was actually in a relationship. In fact, she had been in a relationship with this man for 2 years now. The man, whom we will name M, was actually someone she had met online, when she was 15. Things seemed to work out at the beginning of their relationship I suppose, I don't ask about it and she doesn't bring it up. If she had good times with him, the last thing I want to do is have her recall those times and go through the pain on knowing that those times will never happen again - whether she likes him now or not.
At this point of her life, when she was 15, things were the worst they had ever been for her.
After the first few months, perhaps up to a year, he started showing how he really was to her. From what I've seen, he let their relationship fall apart until the point where any further negligence would ruin the relationship. At that point, he would say a few comforting words and salvage what he could - only to neglect her again over the next few weeks/months and repeat the process again.
Neglecting her for Pokemon and World of Warcraft is one of the most pathetic things I could ever expect from anyone who calls himself a man. Not that I consider him one, but if he ever considered himself a man, he should at least make an attempt at giving the countenance of one.
Anyway, realizing that I still loved her regardless of this fact and that I was not angry or going to punish her for having neglected to tell me about him, she decided to break up with him that night.
Stranger, from the little I've said about M, you have be able to get the general idea of what kind of person he is. I don't think you'd find it hard to believe, then, that he took things horribly. Flinging accusations at her, he ignored the fact that she had tried so hard to make things work out between them and already felt horrible that she was ending their relationship.
Well, she just logged on and I don't want to ruin the joy I feel from seeing her log on by talking about such things, so I'll continue the story another time.
Until then, stranger.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
My personal outlet for confusion.
Dear Stranger,
I don't know what's going on (yet again). My friendship between Her and me is better than ever, but that's all it seems like it is.
She used to use "<3"s when she chatted with me. Directly to me. Since Wednesday, she hasn't used a single one. Sure, maybe I'm paranoid, but I think something is different. I feel like I'm getting closer to the "friend zone". She even jokes about it (two or three times). I laugh, but the thought of it hurts and scares me. The fact that she jokes about it partly makes me think that she has no problems mentioning it - therefor it isn't true. The other part hits home - she put the one thing I would never utter into words, and did it with a smile. It hurts.
She also used to ask me these questions. "How much do you love me?" "What would you do if I died?" "What if I had AIDS?"
Ladies and gentlemen, please don't misinterpret these questions. She's not demanding attention, or wanting to hear how much I love her. I believe she was deciding if it being with me would be a good choice. She needed to know what I would do if she were ever in one of these scenarios. If it was safe to like me.
I answered these questions completely honestly. I could care less if she had AIDS - if she did that would not affect anything. If she died, I would be torn. I would sleep by her grave, crying myself to sleep. I probably would lose my will to care for anything for a while, but I have good friends. I trust them to snap me out of it if that ever did happen to me.
One of them is somebody we'll nickname Kiwi. Not much of a nickname if you really did know her, but since nobody reads this blog (except for perhaps the occasional sympathetic/empathetic web browser) there's nothing to worry about.
I talk to her when I feel horribly depressed. I like to believe I've done the same for her before. We're not close physically, we hardly see each other and rarely say hi, but I consider her an invaluable friend.
We've been chatting some this morning. She really helps organize my thoughts. Here's part of the conversation that we had today:
Kiwi: maybe you should try holding down ur feelings for a while...like not telling her how much she means to you etc. cuz that in itself is probably making her feel heavy and commited since she can't return the same feelings
Me: I've been doing that. after the phone call I havn't mentioned anything of the sort, and she responds well - happy and cheerful rather than confused.
Me: but...
Me: something is just missing from those times when we chatted before
Me: One of us will say something funny and she'll laugh now
Me: and I can imagine her laughing so perfectly it makes my heart break
Me: and I feel like crying because I can't say anything about how much I miss that smile.
Kiwi: you really love her don't you
Me: God you have no idea.
Kiwi: maybe you should kiss her, (all up to you...just a suggestion) it might help her make a decision~
Why did I mention this? The simplest, most honest reason. I want someone out there to catch a whiff of what I feel. I'm exploding with emotions, but I can't do anything with them. I want this message to find someone, and teach them what love should be. If you are with someone that you can truly consider you love, you're one lucky bastard. I find myself incredulously lucky already to have found someone I love. If you've found that someone for you, that significant other that, regardless of what happens to you for the rest of your life, you will look back and smile on the times you've had together - know that I'm ridiculously jealous of you right now.
The second reason is something I've been musing for a while. I really want to kiss her - I want to be lost in a moment that will last forever. I don't think she's ready for it yet, but I'm hoping a moment will come where her passion for me (if it exists) will overcome any reluctance she has. That moment has yet to come, though I've been oh-so tempted to turn around and kiss her on the cheek while we were watching The Notebook yesterday. I suppose I'll just have to wait for a moment where the feeling is overwhelming.
I'm also not sure as to what I should do about holding/hugging her. Sometimes she doesn't react at all (a bad sign, I'm sure). Sometimes she'll lean on to me...the most blissful moments in my life. I should probably hold her less - it'd make the moments that I do more special. However, looking at her face while she looks off into the distance, the urge to hold her tightly and never let go is irresistible. My hugs are by no means a simple sign of affection. She has no idea how much I hold back from hugging her, yet I still do so every few seconds.
My train of thought isn't as good as before - my blog entry is harder to read and doesn't flow as well right now.
I'll stop here.
Thank you for reading, Stranger.
I don't know what's going on (yet again). My friendship between Her and me is better than ever, but that's all it seems like it is.
She used to use "<3"s when she chatted with me. Directly to me. Since Wednesday, she hasn't used a single one. Sure, maybe I'm paranoid, but I think something is different. I feel like I'm getting closer to the "friend zone". She even jokes about it (two or three times). I laugh, but the thought of it hurts and scares me. The fact that she jokes about it partly makes me think that she has no problems mentioning it - therefor it isn't true. The other part hits home - she put the one thing I would never utter into words, and did it with a smile. It hurts.
She also used to ask me these questions. "How much do you love me?" "What would you do if I died?" "What if I had AIDS?"
Ladies and gentlemen, please don't misinterpret these questions. She's not demanding attention, or wanting to hear how much I love her. I believe she was deciding if it being with me would be a good choice. She needed to know what I would do if she were ever in one of these scenarios. If it was safe to like me.
I answered these questions completely honestly. I could care less if she had AIDS - if she did that would not affect anything. If she died, I would be torn. I would sleep by her grave, crying myself to sleep. I probably would lose my will to care for anything for a while, but I have good friends. I trust them to snap me out of it if that ever did happen to me.
One of them is somebody we'll nickname Kiwi. Not much of a nickname if you really did know her, but since nobody reads this blog (except for perhaps the occasional sympathetic/empathetic web browser) there's nothing to worry about.
I talk to her when I feel horribly depressed. I like to believe I've done the same for her before. We're not close physically, we hardly see each other and rarely say hi, but I consider her an invaluable friend.
We've been chatting some this morning. She really helps organize my thoughts. Here's part of the conversation that we had today:
Kiwi: maybe you should try holding down ur feelings for a while...like not telling her how much she means to you etc. cuz that in itself is probably making her feel heavy and commited since she can't return the same feelings
Me: I've been doing that. after the phone call I havn't mentioned anything of the sort, and she responds well - happy and cheerful rather than confused.
Me: but...
Me: something is just missing from those times when we chatted before
Me: One of us will say something funny and she'll laugh now
Me: and I can imagine her laughing so perfectly it makes my heart break
Me: and I feel like crying because I can't say anything about how much I miss that smile.
Kiwi: you really love her don't you
Me: God you have no idea.
Kiwi: maybe you should kiss her, (all up to you...just a suggestion) it might help her make a decision~
Why did I mention this? The simplest, most honest reason. I want someone out there to catch a whiff of what I feel. I'm exploding with emotions, but I can't do anything with them. I want this message to find someone, and teach them what love should be. If you are with someone that you can truly consider you love, you're one lucky bastard. I find myself incredulously lucky already to have found someone I love. If you've found that someone for you, that significant other that, regardless of what happens to you for the rest of your life, you will look back and smile on the times you've had together - know that I'm ridiculously jealous of you right now.
The second reason is something I've been musing for a while. I really want to kiss her - I want to be lost in a moment that will last forever. I don't think she's ready for it yet, but I'm hoping a moment will come where her passion for me (if it exists) will overcome any reluctance she has. That moment has yet to come, though I've been oh-so tempted to turn around and kiss her on the cheek while we were watching The Notebook yesterday. I suppose I'll just have to wait for a moment where the feeling is overwhelming.
I'm also not sure as to what I should do about holding/hugging her. Sometimes she doesn't react at all (a bad sign, I'm sure). Sometimes she'll lean on to me...the most blissful moments in my life. I should probably hold her less - it'd make the moments that I do more special. However, looking at her face while she looks off into the distance, the urge to hold her tightly and never let go is irresistible. My hugs are by no means a simple sign of affection. She has no idea how much I hold back from hugging her, yet I still do so every few seconds.
My train of thought isn't as good as before - my blog entry is harder to read and doesn't flow as well right now.
I'll stop here.
Thank you for reading, Stranger.
Friday, November 9, 2007
An interesting talk...
Hello world,
Again, I'm confused. We had a long talk, her and I. Well, perhaps not long to some people, but 40 minutes on a single topic, especially concerning how she was confused and uncomfortable, seemed pretty long to me.
I don't really feel like talking about it, but I'm sure I'll slip into the mood as I continue typing.
Two nights ago, she logged off and said "Good night <3 ily :D". She had asked what the difference between love and like was earlier that day. It was the first time she had done something like that, and I was overjoyed...I ended up not sleeping for a few hours. It seems only natural that she meant "ily" as in "I love you".
Not able to wait any longer to see her, I cut the last two periods of school the next day. In that time, I went searching for roses (purple ones, her favorite color), took the bus, and walked over to her school. Then I waited for her.
When she came out, I handed her the roses and asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes, but I don't think she was very happy about saying it. She probably felt that she had to say yes after what I had gone through to ask her.
I had a great time with her though, we cuddled and hugged each other while staring at roses and the water fountain at her nearby park. It felt so nice to be together like that with her - it felt like we had always been together, and always would be. She probably didn't feel that way, but I was glad I could share that moment with her anyway.
We talked that night, and I started talking about our "relationship". I don't think I was using the word too much, or that I was over exaggerating things. Yet, she seemed a bit uncomfortable, and the next day proved me right.
The next day she was even less comfortable. I mentioned that I was very serious about a relationship, and she seemed to shrink back from chatting. Upon inquiry, she said that she didn't feel that she was ready for a relationship.
At first, that scared the hell out of me. Still does. I thought she regretted saying yes (and perhaps she does). I thought that I had made her frightened of a relationship; my devotion to her - scary. I knew what I had to do, and had to do it right away. I called her, and we talked.
To make a long story short, she's afraid of the word "relationship". To her, it means much more than a connection between friends - it means commitment. She's not ready for that stage, and I'll kindly back down from her if she needs more time to determine if she really wants to be in a relationship with me.
Thankfully, it hasn't changed much between us. By saying "Okay, I'll try to stop calling it a relationship if it'll make you more comfortable", I am much more afraid now that my message doesn't get across (my message is basically: regardless of how I feel, what mood I'm in, or how horny I am, I'm still in love with her). I want to call it a relationship, because I want to remind her every day - "I'm here for you".
By promising not to say that, I'm cutting down on getting my message across to her. That thought scares me, but I'll try to do it if it'll make her more comfortable. I said before: I want her to be happy. If being with me makes her uncomfortable or sad, I'm willing to stop all contact with her (if that was what she wanted). God, I hope it never comes to that.
I'm confused as to how she could say "I love you" to me, yet be so uncomfortable when I say that we're in a relationship. She, if she ever read this, would probably reply "I'm weird D:" to that statement, and probably apologize as well. God, I love her so much.
It's been a few hours since I've waited for her. About 2 and a half hours I think. I ran out of topics to talk about, and she's not online yet, so...time to ramble!
We're watching a movie together tomorrow. She's going to come over to my house, and while my parents are gone we're going to watch The Notebook. Apparently, it's a really sappy movie. I don't like the word sappy though - it has that negative connotation to it. Let's call it a very poignant movie. It's sounds so sad and touching...
Now, I'm not going to deny that I look forward to seeing her cry/sob at the movie (obviously not because I like seeing her sad. I'm sure you people know what I'm talking about). I also look forward to her cuddling into my arms/shoulder when the emotions form the movie take hold. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is not the only reason that I want to see this movie.
When I think about it, watching this movie is entirely selfish. The first reason (just stated) is obviously selfish. The second one is even more so. The second reason that I'd like to see this movie is because I like feeling sappy. I like the feeling of a sad and gentle catharsis. I want to be moved by this movie, and I want Her to be by my side when that happens. I want to hold her in my arms and thank the heavens that I have someone to share this moment with, because I've never had this opportunity before in my life.
To make things even more selfish, she has already seen the movie, and I don't think she has much to gain from watching this movie. I can only hope that she will find watching the movie with me to be a better experience than when she watched the movie before. /Sigh/
Well, she agreed that we should watch it, and I believe her when she says that she'd enjoy watching it with me. Let's hope tomorrow ends up well.
Now I should really get around to cleaning up the house. Don't want it messy when she comes over...
Again, I'm confused. We had a long talk, her and I. Well, perhaps not long to some people, but 40 minutes on a single topic, especially concerning how she was confused and uncomfortable, seemed pretty long to me.
I don't really feel like talking about it, but I'm sure I'll slip into the mood as I continue typing.
Two nights ago, she logged off and said "Good night <3 ily :D". She had asked what the difference between love and like was earlier that day. It was the first time she had done something like that, and I was overjoyed...I ended up not sleeping for a few hours. It seems only natural that she meant "ily" as in "I love you".
Not able to wait any longer to see her, I cut the last two periods of school the next day. In that time, I went searching for roses (purple ones, her favorite color), took the bus, and walked over to her school. Then I waited for her.
When she came out, I handed her the roses and asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes, but I don't think she was very happy about saying it. She probably felt that she had to say yes after what I had gone through to ask her.
I had a great time with her though, we cuddled and hugged each other while staring at roses and the water fountain at her nearby park. It felt so nice to be together like that with her - it felt like we had always been together, and always would be. She probably didn't feel that way, but I was glad I could share that moment with her anyway.
We talked that night, and I started talking about our "relationship". I don't think I was using the word too much, or that I was over exaggerating things. Yet, she seemed a bit uncomfortable, and the next day proved me right.
The next day she was even less comfortable. I mentioned that I was very serious about a relationship, and she seemed to shrink back from chatting. Upon inquiry, she said that she didn't feel that she was ready for a relationship.
At first, that scared the hell out of me. Still does. I thought she regretted saying yes (and perhaps she does). I thought that I had made her frightened of a relationship; my devotion to her - scary. I knew what I had to do, and had to do it right away. I called her, and we talked.
To make a long story short, she's afraid of the word "relationship". To her, it means much more than a connection between friends - it means commitment. She's not ready for that stage, and I'll kindly back down from her if she needs more time to determine if she really wants to be in a relationship with me.
Thankfully, it hasn't changed much between us. By saying "Okay, I'll try to stop calling it a relationship if it'll make you more comfortable", I am much more afraid now that my message doesn't get across (my message is basically: regardless of how I feel, what mood I'm in, or how horny I am, I'm still in love with her). I want to call it a relationship, because I want to remind her every day - "I'm here for you".
By promising not to say that, I'm cutting down on getting my message across to her. That thought scares me, but I'll try to do it if it'll make her more comfortable. I said before: I want her to be happy. If being with me makes her uncomfortable or sad, I'm willing to stop all contact with her (if that was what she wanted). God, I hope it never comes to that.
I'm confused as to how she could say "I love you" to me, yet be so uncomfortable when I say that we're in a relationship. She, if she ever read this, would probably reply "I'm weird D:" to that statement, and probably apologize as well. God, I love her so much.
It's been a few hours since I've waited for her. About 2 and a half hours I think. I ran out of topics to talk about, and she's not online yet, so...time to ramble!
We're watching a movie together tomorrow. She's going to come over to my house, and while my parents are gone we're going to watch The Notebook. Apparently, it's a really sappy movie. I don't like the word sappy though - it has that negative connotation to it. Let's call it a very poignant movie. It's sounds so sad and touching...
Now, I'm not going to deny that I look forward to seeing her cry/sob at the movie (obviously not because I like seeing her sad. I'm sure you people know what I'm talking about). I also look forward to her cuddling into my arms/shoulder when the emotions form the movie take hold. However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that is not the only reason that I want to see this movie.
When I think about it, watching this movie is entirely selfish. The first reason (just stated) is obviously selfish. The second one is even more so. The second reason that I'd like to see this movie is because I like feeling sappy. I like the feeling of a sad and gentle catharsis. I want to be moved by this movie, and I want Her to be by my side when that happens. I want to hold her in my arms and thank the heavens that I have someone to share this moment with, because I've never had this opportunity before in my life.
To make things even more selfish, she has already seen the movie, and I don't think she has much to gain from watching this movie. I can only hope that she will find watching the movie with me to be a better experience than when she watched the movie before. /Sigh/
Well, she agreed that we should watch it, and I believe her when she says that she'd enjoy watching it with me. Let's hope tomorrow ends up well.
Now I should really get around to cleaning up the house. Don't want it messy when she comes over...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Good thing nobody reads this
Sometimes it saddens me that nobody reads my blog. Not often, since this blog is mostly for myself, but sometimes. Today though, I'm especially happy that nobody reads it. Something about having something that you need to tell the world - and then being able to do it - makes me feel that what I have to say has meaning. Also, the fact that nobody reads it will prevent my feelings and secrets to be spilled. To me, it's a win win situation.
Something spectacular happened to me about 2 weeks ago. I fell in love.
I would like to think that it's something special. I see other friends of mine in relationships, and usually I think they're stupid. How can they experience love when they know so little about it? And yet, here I am, madly in love with someone I met only 2 weeks ago.
She asked me how I could love her in so short of time. She shocked me by how much she reminded me of myself. She told me just yesterday that she didn't want a relationship that was only going to be 3 months long. I guess I have a lot to think about, because it didn't even cross my mind that, if we went out now, we would be together 3 months from now. Call me immature, but the only thing on my mind right now is the way she laughs, the way she smiles, and her perfect personality. I want to be with her, I want to help her, and I want to sleep with her. I want her in every way I can imagine.
She needs time though, and I know that. I'm doing things all wrong. Ask anyone who's been in a relationship - show them what I've said to her. They would laugh and call me a fool. And I know I'm being one.
I'm overly honest; I've told her just about everything I know about myself - from masturbating to my friends at school. Occasionally, I talk about how my friends are better than me, and how envious I am of her friends, who can spend all the time they want with her. It may make her uncomfortable to hear (it should at least), but I can't help but to announce my feelings.
I make crude jokes with her - I've made sexually-related jokes many times now (and they weren't as funny as they were sarcastic...or very serious in some cases) and occasionally I say things that are so abstract, she doesn't even get what I'm saying. I don't have a good grasp on what exactly it is that I'm doing.
I've also managed to screw up horribly. I asked her if she would "go out with me" after knowing her for about 2 weeks. A good enough length of time for me, I know I love her. However, she took the question as "will you go on a date with me?" or something of the sort. She didn't really consider the question as being a couple in a serious relationship. She said yes to a question that I didn't make clear.
Another friend, who coincidentally also likes/liked her (and confessed to her too!) told me that she understood the question wrong. Realizing my mistake, I asked it straight out, "will you be my girlfriend?" Unfortunately, I had wasted the opportune moment from earlier, when I asked her to "go out with me" and it was also too early for her to decide. Due to these factors, she didn't reply. I told her that I'd give her more time, but I'm not sure how long I can wait. It's been two days since I asked if she would be my girlfriend, and I've already brought it up again, yesterday.
She's also told me things about herself that I'll never mention to anyone else. I'm not sure what to think about these confessions though. On one hand, I'm extremely happy that she is willing to open up and tell me these things. On the other hand, I feel like I'm becoming more of someone she can always trust rather than someone that she's in love with. I want her to be happy.
Dead-fucking-honestly, I want her to be happy. And, perhaps, she's be happier with me as someone she could talk to rather than as someone she loves. Although I've (literally) never seen it outside of a movie set, I want to believe that there's a middle ground, where, as lovers, we can also be complete agreement with each other. I think that'd prevent lots of possible arguments that other couples have. Yet, to find that middle ground, I need someone perfect for me. I hope she's the one.
The same person who told me that she had misinterpreted my question tried to give me advice on handling a relationship. He told me how to deal with problems, how to talk to her, etc. I'm sure he meant it all with the best of intentions, but I was disgustingly insulted. To quote The Fountainhead (my most favoritest book ever),
"Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."
I'm truly saying and doing what my heart tells me to when I'm with her, and this friend is telling me that what I'm doing is all wrong. That there are rules - or even guidelines - that I should at least consider. I'm purposely trying to word this so that he sounds more sensible, because what he is telling me makes perfect sense. Yet I'm enraged by his words; how dare he try and tell me what to do when this is the best I've felt in years, if not my life?
For you readers (hah, as if there are readers) that think "You're right on the dot man, stay true," - don't worry, I am. I'm sticking to what I want to believe, whether it will ruin me or make me happy for the rest of my life with her.
For those of you who think, "Great, another idiot that thinks he's in love," or "That's not the way to get a girl, if you really like her there are much better ways," - I know. I know that, but I'm not willing to listen to a word you say. Call it stubborn, call it stupid - your words fall on deaf ears.
Something spectacular happened to me about 2 weeks ago. I fell in love.
I would like to think that it's something special. I see other friends of mine in relationships, and usually I think they're stupid. How can they experience love when they know so little about it? And yet, here I am, madly in love with someone I met only 2 weeks ago.
She asked me how I could love her in so short of time. She shocked me by how much she reminded me of myself. She told me just yesterday that she didn't want a relationship that was only going to be 3 months long. I guess I have a lot to think about, because it didn't even cross my mind that, if we went out now, we would be together 3 months from now. Call me immature, but the only thing on my mind right now is the way she laughs, the way she smiles, and her perfect personality. I want to be with her, I want to help her, and I want to sleep with her. I want her in every way I can imagine.
She needs time though, and I know that. I'm doing things all wrong. Ask anyone who's been in a relationship - show them what I've said to her. They would laugh and call me a fool. And I know I'm being one.
I'm overly honest; I've told her just about everything I know about myself - from masturbating to my friends at school. Occasionally, I talk about how my friends are better than me, and how envious I am of her friends, who can spend all the time they want with her. It may make her uncomfortable to hear (it should at least), but I can't help but to announce my feelings.
I make crude jokes with her - I've made sexually-related jokes many times now (and they weren't as funny as they were sarcastic...or very serious in some cases) and occasionally I say things that are so abstract, she doesn't even get what I'm saying. I don't have a good grasp on what exactly it is that I'm doing.
I've also managed to screw up horribly. I asked her if she would "go out with me" after knowing her for about 2 weeks. A good enough length of time for me, I know I love her. However, she took the question as "will you go on a date with me?" or something of the sort. She didn't really consider the question as being a couple in a serious relationship. She said yes to a question that I didn't make clear.
Another friend, who coincidentally also likes/liked her (and confessed to her too!) told me that she understood the question wrong. Realizing my mistake, I asked it straight out, "will you be my girlfriend?" Unfortunately, I had wasted the opportune moment from earlier, when I asked her to "go out with me" and it was also too early for her to decide. Due to these factors, she didn't reply. I told her that I'd give her more time, but I'm not sure how long I can wait. It's been two days since I asked if she would be my girlfriend, and I've already brought it up again, yesterday.
She's also told me things about herself that I'll never mention to anyone else. I'm not sure what to think about these confessions though. On one hand, I'm extremely happy that she is willing to open up and tell me these things. On the other hand, I feel like I'm becoming more of someone she can always trust rather than someone that she's in love with. I want her to be happy.
Dead-fucking-honestly, I want her to be happy. And, perhaps, she's be happier with me as someone she could talk to rather than as someone she loves. Although I've (literally) never seen it outside of a movie set, I want to believe that there's a middle ground, where, as lovers, we can also be complete agreement with each other. I think that'd prevent lots of possible arguments that other couples have. Yet, to find that middle ground, I need someone perfect for me. I hope she's the one.
The same person who told me that she had misinterpreted my question tried to give me advice on handling a relationship. He told me how to deal with problems, how to talk to her, etc. I'm sure he meant it all with the best of intentions, but I was disgustingly insulted. To quote The Fountainhead (my most favoritest book ever),
"Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."
I'm truly saying and doing what my heart tells me to when I'm with her, and this friend is telling me that what I'm doing is all wrong. That there are rules - or even guidelines - that I should at least consider. I'm purposely trying to word this so that he sounds more sensible, because what he is telling me makes perfect sense. Yet I'm enraged by his words; how dare he try and tell me what to do when this is the best I've felt in years, if not my life?
For you readers (hah, as if there are readers) that think "You're right on the dot man, stay true," - don't worry, I am. I'm sticking to what I want to believe, whether it will ruin me or make me happy for the rest of my life with her.
For those of you who think, "Great, another idiot that thinks he's in love," or "That's not the way to get a girl, if you really like her there are much better ways," - I know. I know that, but I'm not willing to listen to a word you say. Call it stubborn, call it stupid - your words fall on deaf ears.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)