Good thing nobody reads this

Sometimes it saddens me that nobody reads my blog. Not often, since this blog is mostly for myself, but sometimes. Today though, I'm especially happy that nobody reads it. Something about having something that you need to tell the world - and then being able to do it - makes me feel that what I have to say has meaning. Also, the fact that nobody reads it will prevent my feelings and secrets to be spilled. To me, it's a win win situation.

Something spectacular happened to me about 2 weeks ago. I fell in love.

I would like to think that it's something special. I see other friends of mine in relationships, and usually I think they're stupid. How can they experience love when they know so little about it? And yet, here I am, madly in love with someone I met only 2 weeks ago.

She asked me how I could love her in so short of time. She shocked me by how much she reminded me of myself. She told me just yesterday that she didn't want a relationship that was only going to be 3 months long. I guess I have a lot to think about, because it didn't even cross my mind that, if we went out now, we would be together 3 months from now. Call me immature, but the only thing on my mind right now is the way she laughs, the way she smiles, and her perfect personality. I want to be with her, I want to help her, and I want to sleep with her. I want her in every way I can imagine.

She needs time though, and I know that. I'm doing things all wrong. Ask anyone who's been in a relationship - show them what I've said to her. They would laugh and call me a fool. And I know I'm being one.

I'm overly honest; I've told her just about everything I know about myself - from masturbating to my friends at school. Occasionally, I talk about how my friends are better than me, and how envious I am of her friends, who can spend all the time they want with her. It may make her uncomfortable to hear (it should at least), but I can't help but to announce my feelings.

I make crude jokes with her - I've made sexually-related jokes many times now (and they weren't as funny as they were sarcastic...or very serious in some cases) and occasionally I say things that are so abstract, she doesn't even get what I'm saying. I don't have a good grasp on what exactly it is that I'm doing.

I've also managed to screw up horribly. I asked her if she would "go out with me" after knowing her for about 2 weeks. A good enough length of time for me, I know I love her. However, she took the question as "will you go on a date with me?" or something of the sort. She didn't really consider the question as being a couple in a serious relationship. She said yes to a question that I didn't make clear.

Another friend, who coincidentally also likes/liked her (and confessed to her too!) told me that she understood the question wrong. Realizing my mistake, I asked it straight out, "will you be my girlfriend?" Unfortunately, I had wasted the opportune moment from earlier, when I asked her to "go out with me" and it was also too early for her to decide. Due to these factors, she didn't reply. I told her that I'd give her more time, but I'm not sure how long I can wait. It's been two days since I asked if she would be my girlfriend, and I've already brought it up again, yesterday.

She's also told me things about herself that I'll never mention to anyone else. I'm not sure what to think about these confessions though. On one hand, I'm extremely happy that she is willing to open up and tell me these things. On the other hand, I feel like I'm becoming more of someone she can always trust rather than someone that she's in love with. I want her to be happy.
Dead-fucking-honestly, I want her to be happy. And, perhaps, she's be happier with me as someone she could talk to rather than as someone she loves. Although I've (literally) never seen it outside of a movie set, I want to believe that there's a middle ground, where, as lovers, we can also be complete agreement with each other. I think that'd prevent lots of possible arguments that other couples have. Yet, to find that middle ground, I need someone perfect for me. I hope she's the one.

The same person who told me that she had misinterpreted my question tried to give me advice on handling a relationship. He told me how to deal with problems, how to talk to her, etc. I'm sure he meant it all with the best of intentions, but I was disgustingly insulted. To quote The Fountainhead (my most favoritest book ever),

"Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."

I'm truly saying and doing what my heart tells me to when I'm with her, and this friend is telling me that what I'm doing is all wrong. That there are rules - or even guidelines - that I should at least consider. I'm purposely trying to word this so that he sounds more sensible, because what he is telling me makes perfect sense. Yet I'm enraged by his words; how dare he try and tell me what to do when this is the best I've felt in years, if not my life?

For you readers (hah, as if there are readers) that think "You're right on the dot man, stay true," - don't worry, I am. I'm sticking to what I want to believe, whether it will ruin me or make me happy for the rest of my life with her.

For those of you who think, "Great, another idiot that thinks he's in love," or "That's not the way to get a girl, if you really like her there are much better ways," - I know. I know that, but I'm not willing to listen to a word you say. Call it stubborn, call it stupid - your words fall on deaf ears.